im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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