If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
