I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
