apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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