last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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