I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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