i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
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