Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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