ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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