If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
And then my night got REAL pukey
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
