my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
