You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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