I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
