if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
