My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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