the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
