he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i barfeds in our rink
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
you inspire me to be a worse person
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
