it wasn't lemon gatorade
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
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gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
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Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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