Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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