my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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