I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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