I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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