yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
