Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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