Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
