Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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