Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize