He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
