and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
