dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
