I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
