He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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