Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
