Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
