He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
