Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
