I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
