I am full of burrito and curiosity
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
