So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
