I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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