I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
