You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
