i love accidental penises.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
