I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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