That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
