There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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