She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
