my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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