Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
