i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
