life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
