I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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