i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
