he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
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