We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
