You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
