It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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