I have demons in me.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
