Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
