i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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